Lelani, the Grinch

I love Christmas, normally. Nothing makes me happier than the red and green colour combo, shopping for presents (I love giving gifts), putting up the tree (normally bf has to stop me from doing so in November), hanging the stockings and, most importantly, spending the time with family and friends. I even don’t mind the endless play of Boney M, in fact I actually enjoy it as it reminds me of my childhood Christmases in Graaff-Reinet with my grandparents.

This year is different… So far the Christmas tree is still in its box (covered in 2012’s dust), my Facebook profile picture is still one from a month ago (and not the traditional one of me wearing a Christmas hat), the prospect of gift shopping is as appealing as a Justin Bieber concert, and every ‘happy Christmas’ I’ve received so far has been met with a frown, a grumble and a silent middle-finger.

Even the idea of red and green festivities with loved ones leaves me feeling like I could crawl under my bed – with a bottle of Merlot and Ken Follett novel, of course – until 2013.

Somewhere in 2012 the Grinch stole my Christmas spirit or, perhaps, it is I who have become the Grinch.

Thank you to my sport-loving, uncle-like person for inspiring the title.

Review: The Twilight Saga

I get why Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight. I get it and I’ll admit she is clever for playing on the emotions of females. As young girls we are taught that we are princesses and that a prince will one day come on his white horse and sweep us off our feet. That is until you meet your first boyfriend and he breaks your heart.

The Twilight Saga brings back the childhood hopes and dreams of true love, romance and everlasting happiness. I don’t make this shit up, the truth really is stranger than fiction.

I have read all four books and watched the movies. Don’t judge. The fact that I have read the books and watched the movies makes me a topic expert and, by default, an excellent critic.

Review: The books

Ok, let’s face it, Stephenie Meyer is no Bram Stroker and definitely no Margaret Mitchell – thankfully she isn’t quite Mills and Boons bad either. The books were fairly enjoyable, as far as mindless reading goes – to clarify, that means easy reading. The plot and flow of the story was well thought through, for most of the Twilight saga.

The fact that the vampires sparkle like an 80s disco-ball is bearable, that said vampires would give up their staple diet for love – I could handle that too, but not knowing the difference between a shape shifter and werewolf?!?!? Are you an idiot?

For those who have not read the books: Throughout the books Jacob Black and his clan are referred to as werewolves, they refer to themselves as werewolves. It is only in Breaking Dawn, the last book, towards the end, that Carlisle Cullen, head of the Cullen vampire clan, corrects the said wolf clan by explaining the difference between a werewolf and shapeshifter. Yes, please feel free to high-five your face.

Now just a quick little note for all you Twihards – a werewolf becomes one by being bitten by another werewolf. (S)he has no choice in their transformation, when the moon is full they transform and will rip your head off.

A shapeshifter is decedents from an animal i.e. a wolf. Their transformation is voluntary and they won’t necessarily rip your head off – unless they have anger issues, which clearly Jacob does.

I wouldn’t add Twilight to my top 10 list, or even 101 books, but if you have capacity and feel like an easy read – then go for it.

Review: The movies

Normally the book is better than the movie, the same could most certainly be said for The Twilight Saga. The first movie wasn’t all that bad, trust me – it really does get worse after that. To describe the movies I would have to make use of the words “awful, disastrous, dreadful, poor, unimaginative, uninspiring, boring, appalling and simply horrible” – you get the point.

But, throw in a stereotypically handsome, buff, hunk and a semi-dark, untanned, mysterious guy (who sparkles like diamonds) – and girls go wild and spilt themselves into teams. Sorry Team Jacob, Bella stays with Edward – as it is written – so please stop hoping that she’ll wind up with Jacob. And Team Edward, unless you pour glitter all over your boyfriend tonight, there is no way that he’ll be your Edward. The amount of times I have heard a girl say, “he is my Edward” or “I can’ wait to meet my Edward” is enough to make anyone vomit.

That said, I am looking forward to the release of Breaking Dawn Part 2, because, in true tradition, I will go watch it with a group of girls, with the promise of a questionable amount of wine afterwards. I will bitch about the inaccuracy of the movies – they will tell me to zip it because Jacob (or rather Taylor Lautner) is a hottie. We’ll then move on to discuss the cute pair of shoes we saw, our December plans and the latest changes in our tax laws – while sipping our choice of red or white. Because that is what girls do.

Review: Linkin Park, Living Things Tour

When we first bought tickets to go see Linkin Park Live I was sceptical. Having actually heard the Living Things album, the name-sake of the tour, left me with dread as I thought the tour would be a promotion of the latest and not-so-greatest album. Let’s face it, Living Things is the biggest tragedy to happen in 2012, possibly 2011 too. In my eyes Linkin Park went from fantastic to vomit.

 

Now you are probably wondering why the hell I then bothered to buy concert tickets then? I have only one reason – it is Linkin Park, the band that saved me from the dark clutches of glitter balls, short skirts and fake tans that dominates the Pop world. 

 

So yes, I was both excited and devastated that Linkin Park was heading to South Africa. 

 

A little glimmer of hope emerged after their Cape Town show – the show was labelled brilliant and sources said that they played all their old stuff, the good stuff. 

 

I will happily admit that my fears were unjustified, Linkin Park still knows how to rock. Yes, it was brilliant – fucking brilliant. A friend commented that Chester is a monster, I agree. The man has a voice that will leave demons quivering in their boots. 

 

My only regret is not getting the Golden Circle tickets. I sincerely hope that Linkin Park enjoyed their trip to our South African shores enough to return, because next time around I’ll be in the Golden Circle. 

 

What did not go unnoticed was, that despite that the tour was named after the last album, Linkin Park only sang four tracks off of said album, three of which I deemed listenable in my review. To add, I must question why Mike Shinoda even bothered to ask the crowd how many Living Things fans were out there. Have they realised that the new sound simply isn’t working? Only the next album will tell.

12 weeks became a lifetime commitment

Today, 12 weeks ago, I embarked on the USN 12-Week Challenge. While there has been some body transformation – no hard work goes unpaid – the most important factor in this journey was the lessons I learned, and the lessons are what I’d like to share.

Lesson 1: Make it a lifestyle change
For 28 years I pretty much ate what I please as a result I picked up a few kilos, some body fat and bad eating habits. Changing this meant changing my lifestyle – a permanent, for life change, forever. Get it? Sorry, but you’ll be surprised how many people fail to understand the concept of ‘lifestyle change’. 

Lesson 2: Eat to be healthy, not thin.
There are two things my mom taught me about diet and exercise. Firstly, there is no such thing as a quick fix, it takes hard work, time and dedication, and secondly, dieting is bad for you.

Having kept in mind that yo-yo dieting is bad for you and this is a lifetime journey, I opted for a low GI diet because it doesn’t cut out any food, instead, it teach you to make the healthier choice. For example, replace potato with sweet potato, choose rye bread over white bread, cut the fat off your meat, opt for the durum wheat pasta and reach for the cinnamon or honey to replace sugar. Portion control is also very important. 

In the 12 weeks the eating has become a habit. There are still a few hic-ups, which will come right with time. Look at the ratio 28 years vs 12 weeks, it takes time. 

Whichever diet you choose, research, research, research! And then ask yourself, can you do it for life? If the answer is yes, then dive in head first. It also helps to go see a nutritionist/dietitian – they are the experts after all.

Lesson 3: Get off your butt and get moving.

In the last four years I’ve gone to gym on and off, more off than on. I now go regularly, something I’ve always wanted to achieve, and I love it.

I love the sweat, the achy-muscles and, especially, the ‘hey, I am stronger’ reaction. There is nothing more satisfying that hitting a spinning class and really pushing it, realising that your intensity level is higher than it was yesterday – and you are still going!  

It is important to know how to do the exercises correctly, have a training programme and know when to make adjustments. You can’t walk blindly into gym and by some small miracle hope to achieve something – walk in with a goal. 

Here you can go either one of two ways – go see a personal trainer or empower yourself to set the training programme and make the adjustments. There are loads of information and advice out there. My favourite is a blog called Gym Rats Sweat and Sacrifice, Fitness Magazine and the USN website. And, obviously, www.google.com. Google is your friend. 

Another benefit is that exercising helps me shift my mind from work to my studies. Sitting down at night has become a little easier because I have the energy.

Lesson 4: Willpower is like a muscle – work it!

Be determined. Put your mind to it and do it! When I feel like I can’t anymore I push for that one extra rep, that one extra minute. In fact, I often put the level up a bit, just to prove to myself that I can.

Lesson 5: Support.
Support is like a push-up bra, it gives you a lift when you need one. My mom, from when I first had the idea, had her pom-poms out, and bf cooks at night and takes care of the kittens so I can hit the gym after work. It’s the small gestures of support that makes any journey easier. Now we get to the two lessons why I decided after 10 weeks to stop using the USN Phedra-Cut and CLA.

Lesson 6: Focus on the task at hand.
I noticed one night during spinning that I clock watch and my focus is on the pile of studying I need to get through, the to-do list on my desk at work and the to-do list of being an adult – bills, washing, deworming tablets for the kittens etc.

During exercising I stress about other stuff rather that focusing on the muscles I am working. As a result I release a stress hormone, which pretty much cancels out the fat burning hormone (at least that was the way it was explained to me). I am working at changing the behaviour by listening to classical music or symphonic metal en route to gym and doing some breathing exercises. Once I manage to succeed in that, hopefully some more body fat will melt away and the muscles, which I know is there, show more.

Stress is an ugly thing, so when you are a gym focus at exercising – de-stress rather than stress more.

Lesson 7: Getting in the zzz’s is important.

There is an old saying, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. Yea, your body doesn’t work that way. An adult should be getting seven to eight hours of uninterrupted sleep a day.

My first priority is my BA and as a part-time student there is very little I can do about the lack sleep. But yes, sleep is important to burn the fat, recover the muscles and speed up the metabolism.

So where to from here?

I have adjusted my training programme to include more cardio (hopefully bringing down the body fat more) and I am sticking to my low GI diet and working on those eating behaviour hic-ups. Enough to maintain my weight. My goal, after all, is to complete this semester successfully.

After exams I will be doing the USN 12-Week Challenge again. I will then have more time, be able to focus better and sleep more.

As I said in the beginning, there is no such thing as a quick fix, this is a lifetime journey - and I look forward to another 12 weeks of life changing.  
 

The results:
Kilos dropped: 7.4kg
Body fat lost: 7.65%
Dress size: From an uncomfortable size 34, boarder-line 36, to a very comfy 34.

Loving all things cupcake

Nephew-child is turning one tomorrow – yip, a whole one years’ old. It’s a bit cliché-ish, but I actually cannot believe how time has flown. In the last year the little Moo has sprouted about 10 teeth (I may be exaggerating by a tooth or two) and become quite mobile on his legs, none of that wobbly stuff – he is sturdy – a little Sharkie in the making.

This weekend we had a bit of a celebration and for the first time Moo got to smash a cupcake in his face (and everywhere else).  Now as a lover of all things cupcake, I wish I could remember that first taste, hence why I couldn't resist sharing the messy cupcake moment:

Pictures: Shamelessly taken from the dad’s Facebook album.

Happy birthday to the best little nephew-child, we look forward to spending many more with you and enjoy more of 'em cupcakes.  

In some other weekend news…

On the kitty-related news, our little Meeko caught a bird. Now being a cat that might not seem newsworthy, but I know there are about two people who’d love the story.

As I opened the door yesterday morning, Meeko went sprinting past me into the backyard. She first squirrelled up the tree (with birds scattering in all direction), came back down and then did this bollemakiesie, which sent the dust flying everywhere. Now while all this was happening Tulip and I stood watching – and I was lecturing her on patience and how she will never catch a bird if she doesn’t take a bit of time doing the stalking business.

Much to my surprise, after the dust had settled, Meeko came running towards me with a bird in her mouth. Turns out her speed, accuracy and lack of patience resulted in success.

Day nine – two songs

Since embarking on this challenge the two songs have changed every time I think about it. Which to include? Dire Straits’ Walk of Life, Suzanne Vega’s Luka, Louis Armstrong’s Smokie, Right Now by Korn, My Mistress, Never Again and I'm Alive by Disturbed also holds so much significance.

Somewhere along the line music became a huge part of my life. No, I can’t sing to save my life, nor do I play an instrument, but I listen to it. For every phase of my life, milestone or bump there is a song or two.

I finally managed to narrow it down to two songs…

I’m Too Sexy, Right Said Fred. I don’t know what it is about this song, but when it plays I have an imaginary microphone in my hand and I do my little turn on an imaginary catwalk.

Divine, Disturbed. The song is a reminder to love yourself. No matter how strange, weird, fat, skinny, ugly, gorgeous, tattooed or bizarre the world perceives you to be – you are divine! Be who you are, stand out, stand up and be divine.

 

Song Words: Divine by Disturbed

I want to tear a big hole in what is to be
To end all this infatuation with unity
I'm seeking my salvation alone again
I never needed to be one of you anyway

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game
I'm trying to impress upon you, we're not the same
My own individuality is so unique
I'm one impressive motherfucker, now wouldn't you say?
Break apart and divide, divide, divide, divide!

You might say that I'm the last man standing now

And though you'll try, you'll never find a way to break me
You might say that I'm sick of being lost in the crowd
I hear the sirens but they're never gonna take me

I am a little more provocative than you might be

And it's your shock and then your horror on which I feed
So can you tell me what exactly does 'freedom' mean?
If I'm not free to be as twisted as I wanna be

Don't wanna be another player losing in this game

I'm trying to impress upon you, we're not the same
My psychotic mentality is so unique
I'm one aggressive motherfucker, now wouldn't you say?
Break apart and divide, divide, divide, divide!

You might say that I'm the last man standing now

And though you'll try, you'll never find a way to break me
You might say that I'm sick of being lost in the crowd
I hear the sirens but they're never gonna take me
They won't take me

(Dedicated to the angel who causes all the havoc in Heaven. Divine - always.)

Day eight – three films

Anything by Quentin Tarantino, Rob Zombie and Tim Burton. Oh wait, films, not directors. 

1. The Basketball Diaries. I always tell parents that they should get their children to watch this film, along with Riding in Cars with Boys. If you have children, let them watch it. Please just do a censorship view beforehand, the movie includes sex and swearing. Over and above the education it provides, it has a brilliant storyline with superb acting.
2. Dead Poet Society. "Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary." A motto to live by.
3. Silence of the Lambs. I love a good psychological thriller – and all movies that includes Anthony Hopkins.

Day seven – four books

Being a bookworm selecting four books is complete torture. I grew up in a library, or at least I spent most of my Primary School days hiding out in one, I was a little introverted.

Having discovered the world of books at a young age, I have lost track of the many adventures I got sucked into. So many books have been devoured and there are still so many to indulge in… ok, four books; 

1. Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery. Anne finds her home and her little spot on earth with the Cuthbert. I love a happy ending and the start of new adventures.
2. The Madonna of Excelsior by Zakes Mda. I had to study this book, cover-to-cover, for my English studies (Approaching Literature). I absolutely adored every second of it. Zakes Mda is a brilliant and witty writer. "From the sins of our mothers all these things flow," – a perfect circle, a perfect book.
3. This list would not be complete without a Harry Potter. By far my all-time favourite Harry Potter book has to be Harry Potter and the Horcruxes. This book contains one of my favourite revelations – Professor Severus Snape’s story. The movie doesn’t do his story justice – go on, give the book a read.
4. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Süskind. I love a good murder mystery and Süskind takes his character to a whole new level of… well, weird.

So there you have it, four books.

Day six – five foods

1. The first thing that pops into my mind is… cupcakes. If they have Smarties on them – fabulous! If you can find me penguin-shaped cupcakes, you’ll be my new Batman. I simply love a good cupcake, which is why September is my new favourite month. Not only does September bring the smell of star jasmine (my favourite flower) and the promise of Spring, but it is also two one-year-olds’ birthdays and I am looking forward to smashing my face with some cupcakes.
2. Froot Loops and a glass of Just Juice. Alas! Kellogg's SA has decided to discontinue Froot Loops. While I do agree that it is not the most nutritional breakfast choice, l love the taste of preservatives, artificial colouring and sugar overdose that comes in every bowl of Froot Loops.
3. Asian food. I especially love a good meal from Karma, based at the Pineslopes Shopping Centre in Fourways (Johannesburg).  
4. Braai (or BBQ, for my American readers). I’m South African – come rain, sunshine or snow – we braai.
5. Peanut butter. That is food, right? A whole tablespoon full of yummy honey crunch peanut butter.

Day five – six places

1.   Transylvania. No need to reread it, you read correctly – Transylvania. Friends will know that I’ve always said I want to go to Transylvania for honeymoon. No, I don’t want to hunt vampires and werewolves (using the term loosely), those are in Forks – apparently. 

 

2.   London – on 26 November 2012 to be exact. My two favourite artists, Rob Zombie and Marilyn Manson, have teamed up in an appropriately named Twins of Evil Tour. I would row to London in a rowboat to see the performance, but alas! I write my last subject on 21 November and to row across the Atlantic, just over 9,000 km, is not possible in five days.

 

3.   Lemnos. Details are unconfirmed but the broad outline is to hook up with some friends in Lemnos next year. We haven’t seen them since July 2010 and I look forward to catching up over lots of wine. 

 

4.   New York. The idea of endless shopping, drinking lattes, taking a jog through Central Park, watching a rock show in Madison Square Garden and enjoying the buzz of the city that never sleeps is quite appealing. And, seeing that New York is a must-visit destination for some of my favourite girlfriends, it would be a double-bonus to hit the Big Apple on an all-girls holiday.

 

5.   Seychelles. Hammock, beach, sun, cocktails and snorkelling… what more could a girl want? 

 

6.   Home. Corny? Of course! Like Dorothy I believe there is no place like home. I love being as snug-as-a-bug next to bf with our kittens curled up next to us. We are quite fortunate that they so willingly share the couch with us…

Day, er, four – seven wants

I wanted to post this on Friday, but after settling down, around 7pm, on Friday night I was far too exhausted. So a few days later, my seven wants;

 

1.   My very own library.

Picture: A friend sent this to me some time ago and yes, it’s so me. I’d rather spend money on books than on shoes.

2.  To see Rob Zombie live in New York. Boom! Two-in-one combo.

3.  To own every single Sweet Valley book ever written. I’ve mentioned once before that as a teen I read Sweet Valley, I had quite the collection too, but I’ve never read all the books. I’d love an opportunity to read every single book (from Sweet Valley Kids to, well, now). 

4.  To own a Peaches Swimwear bikini. While this want is a phone call away, I don’t quite yet feel body comfortable, or confident yet, to make that call.

5.  To build a snowman. While we were quite fortunate to experience a bit of snow in Joburg, my first, it was hardly enough to build a snowman – I tried. 

6.  To enjoy a plate of pasta from the Italian Bowls Club. 

7.  To go on a coastal road trip in a Cadillac, top down, with Roxette, Dire Straits, Right Said Fred and Beach Boys blasting over the speakers. No planning, no prebooked accommodations, no roadmap. A simple hop in the car, blast some sing-along songs and drive from beach-to-beach.

Day three – the fear of…

1.   Snakes. I firmly believe that all snakes’ heads should be chopped off and that they should be burned. My fear is so intense that even the movie Snakes on a Plane will leave me shaking out the bed sheets. Mother fucking snakes…  

2.   I think I might have a slight issue with reptiles in general. I fear frogs. Not as bad as snakes, but I have been known to let out little yelps when one hops my way.

 

3.   Heights – I actually tremble in my boots.  

4.   Parktown prawns – those beady-eyes are creepy. Whenever Meeko brings me a parktown prawn as a present, which happens more often that I like, I am normally found on something with me feet up, saying “nice kitten, so clever, now-please-take-that-fucking-thing-out-of-here”.  

5.   Failing a subject. I am 28 and doing my first year in BA Psychological Counselling. By my calculation, and if I can stick to the plan, I will be done with my BA by June 2016. I fear failing a subject because it will set me back and instead of being done in 2016, I’ll only be done in 2017.  

6.   “What if…”  

7.   That something bad will happen to someone I love and I was unable to prevent it or protect them from it.  

Last, but surely not least, my biggest fear…  

I don’t do the coochy-coo thing when I see babies, nor do I get excited at the prospect of being a mother, I don’t go around telling the world how we are longing for a child, I get darn annoyed when people tell me that I must have children NOW (because I am getting old) and, yes, at one stage I wanted to remain childless. This has led to some people thinking that I eat children for breakfast. Sorry to disappoint, I don’t.

 

8.   My biggest fear is being a parent.

Unlike most I don’t see having children as a natural progression of life. I see it as taking on the responsibility of another human being’s soul, of their welfare – and that scares me. I fear saying something to my child, that years later on they will remember and it will still hurt like hell.  

So there you have it – the next door neighbour’s child is not on the breakfast menu.

Day two – nine loves

The list of loves, and likes, is endless. Narrowing it down to only nine is quite the challenge.

• Bf takes the number 1 spot.
• Our kittens, Meeko and Tulip. There is so much love in those little fur-faces.

• Christmas time. I am a sucker for a pine tree with glitter over it, stockings that contain presents, the wrapping and unwrapping, but, most of all, I love getting together with family and friends, that warm fuzzy feeling of ‘this is what it is all about’.
• The beach. Splashing in the waves, toes in the sand, basking in the sun and an ice-cream. The beach makes me feel like a child all over again, and I am known to behave accordingly.  

• Harry Potter. I have seen the movies countless times and have read all seven books about five times. I love Harry Potter.
• Books, the printed kind. I simply love reading and if I can get my house smelling like a secondhand bookshop, I will be the happiest person in the world.
• Rob Zombie. I have a not-so-secret crush on the man.

 Picture: Google. Sorry but I don't have a 'I took that picture of Rob Zombie'. Still working on it.

• Metal music – and anything that involves and electric guitar and screaming vocals.
• Penguins. No, cupcakes. Penguins. Cupcakes, definitely penguins. Can someone please bake me some penguin shaped cupcakes?

The 10 Day YOU Challenge

I have mentioned once before that I love a challenge, so when my friend, Girl from Mars, took up the challenge I thought “heck, why not”. This is a 10 Day YOU Challenge – it looks easy, but once you get started you are left doing a bit of head scratching, or rather, soul-searching. 

The challenge goes a little something like this:
Day one – ten secrets
Day two – nine loves
Day three – eight fears
Day four – seven wants
Day five – six places
Day six – five foods
Day seven – four books
Day eight – three films
Day nine – two songs
Day ten – one picture (of yourself).

Picture: For The Beauty Of It

Feel free to join in!

 
So here is my day one – 10 secrets (in no particular order).

1.   I hate my toes and my fingers – they look like chipolatas. I’d trade in my two front-teeth for elegant toes and fingers.

2.   I have duck feet. No really. My feet are so broad that I will never be able to wear elegant strappy shoes – ever. When I shoe shop, I deliberately go for chucky shoes, and when I find a pair that fits, I buy it in every colour. Please don’t stare at my feet next time you see me…

3.   I haven’t worn a pair of shorts since I was 13. I am extremely self-conscious about my legs and, as such, I avoid shorts. Unless of course they come up to my knee, those are cool.

4.   I have never been outside the country.

5.   I believe that you should fake it until you make it. We all strive to achieve something, but getting there takes time. By faking it, like you’ve already made it, you develop a certain amount of confidence, or at least you bullshit people into thinking so.  

6.   I don’t have patients, at all. If I want something, I want it NOW! For example, waiting for my study material, even just a few days, is nothing short of pure torture and not to mention waiting for results! I’ll visit the myUnisa site, where all the exam information is published, 110 times an hour. No exaggeration.

7.   I haven’t read 60% of the books I own. I love books, and I do read them, unfortunately I just seem to buy them faster than I can read them.

8.  I don’t forgive. If someone hurts me really bad, I won’t forgive and forget. It’s a huge personality flaw. There are even some incidents I can date pinpoint the unforgivable event.  

9.   I drop the f-bomb on occasions (I am cautious about when and where though) and in the (questionably) wise words of Limp Bizkit’s frontman, Fred Durst, “fuck is just a word, and it’s all fucked up”.

10. The person I admire the most is my bf. He is the single most kind-hearted person in the world, who has an amazing amount of tolerance and patients, and he always sees the good in someone, even if they don’t see it themselves. He rocks.