Review: The Twilight Saga

I get why Stephenie Meyer wrote Twilight. I get it and I’ll admit she is clever for playing on the emotions of females. As young girls we are taught that we are princesses and that a prince will one day come on his white horse and sweep us off our feet. That is until you meet your first boyfriend and he breaks your heart.

The Twilight Saga brings back the childhood hopes and dreams of true love, romance and everlasting happiness. I don’t make this shit up, the truth really is stranger than fiction.

I have read all four books and watched the movies. Don’t judge. The fact that I have read the books and watched the movies makes me a topic expert and, by default, an excellent critic.

Review: The books

Ok, let’s face it, Stephenie Meyer is no Bram Stroker and definitely no Margaret Mitchell – thankfully she isn’t quite Mills and Boons bad either. The books were fairly enjoyable, as far as mindless reading goes – to clarify, that means easy reading. The plot and flow of the story was well thought through, for most of the Twilight saga.

The fact that the vampires sparkle like an 80s disco-ball is bearable, that said vampires would give up their staple diet for love – I could handle that too, but not knowing the difference between a shape shifter and werewolf?!?!? Are you an idiot?

For those who have not read the books: Throughout the books Jacob Black and his clan are referred to as werewolves, they refer to themselves as werewolves. It is only in Breaking Dawn, the last book, towards the end, that Carlisle Cullen, head of the Cullen vampire clan, corrects the said wolf clan by explaining the difference between a werewolf and shapeshifter. Yes, please feel free to high-five your face.

Now just a quick little note for all you Twihards – a werewolf becomes one by being bitten by another werewolf. (S)he has no choice in their transformation, when the moon is full they transform and will rip your head off.

A shapeshifter is decedents from an animal i.e. a wolf. Their transformation is voluntary and they won’t necessarily rip your head off – unless they have anger issues, which clearly Jacob does.

I wouldn’t add Twilight to my top 10 list, or even 101 books, but if you have capacity and feel like an easy read – then go for it.

Review: The movies

Normally the book is better than the movie, the same could most certainly be said for The Twilight Saga. The first movie wasn’t all that bad, trust me – it really does get worse after that. To describe the movies I would have to make use of the words “awful, disastrous, dreadful, poor, unimaginative, uninspiring, boring, appalling and simply horrible” – you get the point.

But, throw in a stereotypically handsome, buff, hunk and a semi-dark, untanned, mysterious guy (who sparkles like diamonds) – and girls go wild and spilt themselves into teams. Sorry Team Jacob, Bella stays with Edward – as it is written – so please stop hoping that she’ll wind up with Jacob. And Team Edward, unless you pour glitter all over your boyfriend tonight, there is no way that he’ll be your Edward. The amount of times I have heard a girl say, “he is my Edward” or “I can’ wait to meet my Edward” is enough to make anyone vomit.

That said, I am looking forward to the release of Breaking Dawn Part 2, because, in true tradition, I will go watch it with a group of girls, with the promise of a questionable amount of wine afterwards. I will bitch about the inaccuracy of the movies – they will tell me to zip it because Jacob (or rather Taylor Lautner) is a hottie. We’ll then move on to discuss the cute pair of shoes we saw, our December plans and the latest changes in our tax laws – while sipping our choice of red or white. Because that is what girls do.